Monday, October 6, 2014

Before "I do"

I've been thinking lately about my ultimate dream and the reasons why it seems so unreachable. 

And so I'm letting my brain bleed just for once, trying to be vulnerable, dropping off my guards all to think of the reasons why 3 years ago I started blogging. I need some convincing advise, something I'm clueless about or something hard for me to accept... My difficulties, my issues why I always find myself moving on and on. 

Disclaimer: This is an inspired tell all post after watching Korean drama, #ItsOkayThatsLove.

1. You're nice, cool, witty and smart but not just that beautiful. You know how annoying this feels to admit since I know for a fact that I have flaws like everybody else so can we just work on what's presently GOOD! 

(While changing the topic, Michelle Phan suddenly popped out of the window!)

You better stop there mah sister before you regard yourself the pitiful lead in your own drama! You know what? You've said some good traits you have and I know they were not your inborn talents or traits, personality in the first place does not come through genes, transplant, copy paste or any science. You know what I mean. Define your big eyes, paint those full lips, cover the blemishes and keep your double chins up. And you'll see a satisfied smile that you took time in improving yourself. Remember how you got your banking job last year? It will be as fullfilling if you try something you've never tried before. 

2. I'm too comfortable being myself, alone. I know this sounds just right but when I say, comfortable it means I have the tendency to isolate myself whenever I just feel like it. This started when I discovered that as long as I do just right (according to my own standards) then I can leave things unecessary behind. 

(Then Alex Gonzaga made her entrance while dancing to Beyonce moves~) 

Hmmmn... You know you're cruel! You should be sharing that comforts you find entertaining alone with your potential husband! Way to go dear if you'll just be hanging around  on your bed while talking to yourself or watching the latest episode of your now favorite korean drama! Grow up! You've been doing that for nearly 10 years!!! You better act now or waste another day or another decade doing that same old things you enjoy since you were thirteen! You know it's getting serious that you see it as an escape to your stress at work, to your unfinished businesses and your for real business. It's time you shift an old habit to productive ones, where you can also be feeling the same comforts when you're hanging out by yourself. Like go enroll to a gym! You're not the type who will flirt with hunk men but at least there you will be exposed as you get fit and improve your still hesitant self! Just maybe some man from the gym is also keeping up with his new found habit, exercise on a leisure hours. Find time sharing yourself to the world! 

3. Siiiiiiighs! He's making that same entrance again into my vulnerable heart. He's making a comeback into my work station and so in my fantasies when I'm at the state of forgetting him as someone who once made me feel special. I wish and I pray that he is the one and that this is just some part of our story, making up for the reasons why soon this relationship will be unbreakable and will lead to that "I do~" But because I tend to panic at the idea of dating, trust issues... I'm once again afraid to try. 

(Wooohhh Did just Jang Jae Yeol oppa told me this piece of advise?!!!)

Arraseo-yo oppa! I'll practice to be free at heart! 

4. Believe that you will! Now, trying to gain the courage to move on. Not because it was a painful experience but because I was left behind with regrets by not fully giving in to what my heart then feels. I want to bring back myself with the learned lessons of the past for I sincerely love to love. Though needless to say all episodes now of every drama I watch, it made me think of him. It feels unfair to be left behind but that's for sure, part of the big plan.

(I'm more convinced with this heads up!)

5. Once and for all, feel it. I never once deeply sympathized with other's pain, I did say it must have been hard but it was all just plain words. Since I thought of others problems like how I deal with mine like, "you are strong and free you will soon overcome this" but thinking now that I'm also struggling understanding my own circumstance, I have ignored others situation and I simply think, "it's your own problem", "you have to deal with it on your own" and forgot the very essence of why they are sharing something personal. 

6. By using my defenses, I sabotage my own happiness. I doubt a lot and regard a person who has the potential feelings as someone who will take advantage of me or will soon find me replaceable. :((( Because of this, I stop myself from being too kilig over the gestures of a potential boyfie because of my own random thoughts! Like I don't know already if I'm assuming or I'm too control freak?!? Is there some thin line I'm not aware of between the two???? 

(And so Jo Dong Min ajussi came to nag me...)

"What is the thing you want to protect? The anxiety disorder that you want to get rid of forever?" 

I think I have serious case of selfishness out of hardly finding love. I know I have my family and friends but if we'll break it down, my mom has my dad; my sister has my brother-in-law; my bestfriends who are always behind me stays to be the same and soon will find company too... Oooohhh this is light bulb! I focus too much on myself because I'm afraid to be left out again! And that I don't know yet what love can do and because I don't know I think tooooooooo muuuuuuuuuch!!! Gotchhhaaaa!!! I am my own problem!

7. I'm sporting the positivity but everytime chance comes by, I back off. It's hard to see that someone might actually be the right one~ That's why I want to be understood by none other than myself before saying I'm in but I think understanding oneself is an overrated term so the very least I can do is most probably just accept the person that I was, I am and I will be!!! Strength pa!!! 

And so the next thing I want to do is fall in love for the rest of my life! I want a beautiful love story like Jang Jae Yeol ❤️ Ji Hae Soo. A mature love! They are two individuals who have passed the common cause of break up, third party. Who have gained enough pain to not be wasting time with wrong partners. The number of exes they had is not even a guarantee to say they have learned or have loved the right way because they're just like anyone whose unsure of the next things to come. So when I get to meet my Jae Yeol, I'll make sure to fall in love! But if he's not yet the one then it's okay, that's (still) love! 

In love,
Miss Piggy ❤️.❤️

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