Monday, April 21, 2014

New Friend Added

Happy Easter everyone! God has risen so I think I deserve some exclusive time with him before today ends. I am convinced that you will never leave me no matter what the world throws on me and so I’m pushing my hesitant self to open up and really put it in words.

Remember that guy Lord at work? He has a girlfriend now.

I know. I should just distant myself and I am still trying to do what exactly a friend should do. But can I just be honest and say how it really feels to be left by someone whom I thought could be the one? It happened so fast for them that I can only find myself hanged in the moment. I thought he’ll pursue me till we finally see it coming. Till I get tired of giving him the wrong signals. Until he gets sick of the casual talk… Until we realized what we have is love.

I once again blew the chance. And all I have gained is an unfinished business since we never had that real talk about us. I knew there’s something about your guilty gaze on me. I was just being cool but my disappointed self still reigns like how could you deliberately smile and tease me for four months when I was never the girl you like in the first place! This I know sounds bitter but I wish this will be the last time I’ll bring this up.

It upsets me that you fell for a cliché girl like everybody does. And it makes me sick thinking about the times I’ve doubted your sincerity and only to find out you were never that into me and that some find me delusional for even having the thoughts about us. I’m sorry for being this honest but this is just the first time my heart got broken by a guy who made me believe that he can save me from being alone on every occasion. You certainly broken every fantasy I had for us when you text me about it and not even finding a place in your brain that I am most probably be hurting deep down. Silly me, I even gave an advice to a friend that whatever mistake someone committed on you; you should always go with the side where there is hope for happiness, change and chances – thinking of you as an example before breaking me the news three weeks ago. I for one don’t easily give up on someone but the world taught me a lesson to let go of the person I once poured my heart into because I can’t be always falling for the wrong guy.

Funny it may seems but we had moments these days that we’re very careful with how people sees us. We’re like hiding something fishy every time we bump into each other. I’m not sure with soon events but for now I choose to forgive even if I hear no sorry. I’m not saying you’re the wrong alone here but why it has to be me? Why do I have to see you five times a week?!? I’ve been there and I hate going back and forth. I’ve shared enough for you to be extra careful but still you made history repeat.

There’s a lot of maybes’ again. Thinking now about the times we were there for each other- I still believe you came to prepare me for dating. You made me experience how it feels to be a lady next to a man whenever you visit me on 6’oclock habit. I’m such a kid myself so I call it quits. I now can only reminisce such times I give silly updates to friends about our progress; the unconventional time of your calls and texts; you letting me borrow your HD with updated episodes and songs in it, you surprised me with your taste in movies, music and that you also watch Korean dramas and you’re willing to watch my recommended series and you’ll download some for me though I know it may not be happening at all. You allowed me to get to know your whole family and bit of your story… you’re the most affected whenever you hear someone from my team disrespects me. You started to give me lessons on how things should be done; we even have bets and we also lend each other’s money at times. We even had plans of going on trip, that you’ll make up for my ruined valentine’s day because you were shy handing me toblerone because you know above all else that I discourage grand gestures that may result to making it such a big deal and I’ve realized I’ve missed the whole point of falling in love. I was never real to you 100%.

And though at some points you make my heart gone mad we managed to remain friends. I don’t know but like my advice to a friend, I choose where there’s more chance for happy endings. Some may see me naive for being cool and not cold to this guy but I have enough reasons to regard him as a friend. Plus, you don’t end friendships you just naturally being their old friend because of their new ones in their respective stages of life. I’ll give you the benefit of doubt because that’s what we are anyway so there will only be time to forgive because I hate regrets keep piling up. You make me all puzzled every time pal so I’ll make it easy for me too and let go of the butterflies in my stomach each time I see you until it will be some just friendship.

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