Monday, March 3, 2014

This will take a few...

Oh Hi!

It’s been a long while since my last post. I’ve been in my lazy pajamas for the last weeks. Like today I was so busy doing my laundry, lining up in BDO to deposit some sums to pay off my debt, attending church and buying a pair of pants but only to find out I’m drooling while I’m in bed. Zzzzzzzzz…  

I’m losing my senses…

A lot had happened and I don’t know very well why I’m so damn slow and indifferent with almost everything that involves human feelings. Plus we should not forget, weirder than ever.

So rather story telling it in a winding way I’ll try not to TODAY. So here comes this fad about quarter life crisis and so I’m finding myself in it. You know I got this job that I like. I’m into banking and I’m feeling accomplished with work stuff. Also I enrolled myself into ForEx school to learn how to trade obviously. And I’m wondering if I’m indeed in love with a man right now. Ooops! I tell you no lies here!

To start off, 2014 has been overwhelming so far. At the very least I know how to feel overwhelmed. But here comes the matter of the heart that I’m totally unsure of. You probably know where this talk is going… I just had an epic coffee with friends a while ago so I’m completely dose with epic caffeine. I’m talking random of excuse so I now have to cut the chase. I’ve been totally uncool or way too cool that result to care less about the norms. And I’ve become more certain about who I really am because I’ve been getting similar feedbacks from officemates, good old college friends and my sister.

I don’t know how it all started but I’m sure my history has a lot to contribute on this but to keep it short and simple… I’m no longer the person whose easily can be bullied or shaken with foul jokes. I’ve noticed that I’m not my old self anymore back in my first job where I do get the feel that my cancer cells are slowly forming to stab me at the back in the near future when deadlines and some difficult people like myself is bugging my routinely work. Let’s knock on the nearest wood we have for that. I’m less emotional now. Thinking if I’m happy about it? Oh yes of course but I feel like it’s not becoming healthy I must say since it spreads like the cancer I’ve been talking about. I now hardly recognize emotions like anger, fear, pressure and the likes but not until this certain person came along. My past post will tell you why. 

So when I left his birthday cake gift from me on top of his locker I felt the goose bumps of course. Almost about to throw up because that is not the person I imagined myself will be on someone else’s birthday. Not his girlfriend but there I was acting like a boy courting a an it-girl who doesn’t know his chances after the supposed to be secret gift has been known to everyone. Tsk tsk tsk. And going back to the girl that is me, I’ve been mad for days… But gladly he stayed saying sorry for telling it on speaker phone that happened to get announced by a big mouth friend. And let’s not forget I got thanked on broadcast too. And that was me with my weird choice of words. I was so pissed off I tell you! Then he started this I-don’t –know-what-I-did-wrong act and he feels sorry for reasons not known to him as we first talk on the phone for 2 hours and 31 minutes. The anger turned to fluttered feeling after that early morning. And so the connection continues… but at this rate I’m trying to relax since he’s away for a vacation in Bora and I’m not receiving a single text or call. I’m fine I think. But I’m sarcastic and he knows that.

Skipping through the days… He changed shift. Our sched is now overlapping so we can get to see each other now again but not like last year where we have this 6 o’clock habit. February started with a “Wazzup?!!” and his “apir” gesture making the mood friendly and there I felt friend zoned to the core!!! And since I have no plans of making friends with him I care just enough. So I barely care right? And here he comes again calling! Oh my! I found my weakness there and then! He called after finding out that I’ll meet a college friend over dinner. Can I assume he’s jealous since he started teasing me with Abra’s song, “Haba ng hair” and keeping me busy all the while when he knows that I’m with this guy friend who happens to be just Jnx my good gay friend! Oh well who cares but I’m convinced that this guy is checking on me now. What’s gotten into you?

So we’re back with the thing we have but no more landian portion as I can describe our past conversations from last month. I’ve been totally cool with it because it’s more reassuring for whatever we have to grow. He’s sharing his personal thoughts and so I’ve learned to trust my thoughts as well to him. I know we are good true friends to each other. I found out that he’s good in Math so I started calling him Best in Math and he called me back as Best in Philosophy because of the way I talk. We know I’m witty! Ahahhaha ok! And I’ve been more surprised that he’s very much looking forward to the future like his plans of buying his own car this April, to also take up Law, get promoted and soon to open his own business. And I looked down to check if my heart is still attached like usual and at that sec  it fell to the ground!!! Waaaaaahhhh!!! So I told him to teach me how to save and he answered back with “you have to marry someone who’s thrifty.” And I lost again my senses! #Nganga

On a sad note, Valentine’s Day came early for his girl teammates since about 30 minutes after I got in the office he distributed Toblerone chocolates and I didn’t get any for he just passed by me. That was night of Feb. 13 and all I can respond to his chat were like… Ahhhh… Can you not talk to me since I’m not  in a good mood to mingle so please keep your distance or I’ll ask you questions like, WHO AM I EXACTLY IN YOUR LIFE?!?!?, WHERE’S MY CHOCOLATE?!? But I let that day passed since the day is still long enough but I already settled my feelings and hormones from not showing signs of disturbed. That day he waited till 7am for his dorm mate. I wasn’t expecting he’s going to give me a grand gift that early morning of 13th. Maybe a sunflower plant I saw near his locker or even just the same brand of chocolates like what he gave to others. BECAUSE GOD KNOWS I’M CONFIDENT BEFORE 14TH EVEN CAME THAT I WON’T GET ANYTHING SINCE HE’S THE TRIFTHY PERSON I KNOW. But that day he’s been warned by my boss to treat me seriously and he answered back while approaching me with smiling face, “Eto nga at idi’date.” And I smiled while disagreeing. What lame move was that?!? Then I got an oc from him greeting happy hearts day and shared some thoughts about his car being fixed after hours I seen zoned him. I was so angry so I just let it go. He knows I’ll be in Naga for the weekend and he said goodbye when he saw me with my heavy bags. I have heavy bags!!! WTH is this guy doing to me that I’m expecting him to send me off to terminal or in the most non obvious way to show his concern, help me with my heavy bags!!! I’m still mad with the thought of him acting like he cares asking me why did I wear something with red. I was all masungit answering back that it has a big portion of white and that it’s an Iron Man shirt which I just bought that day to calm myself from not hurting even more. I even think out loud that I have bakal na puso which explains why I wore the Iron Man shirt and that girls with flowers are the reason for the heavy traffic. And that if it’s lechon they’re carrying I would probably understand the cherish-the-moment- walk since it’s heavy obviously. Plus as compared with flowers where it’s been sprayed by the guy’s perfume, lechon is much much more pleasant to smell than those they have which can only live for span of 3 days. Ohhh… I made sure he heard it clear. I’m weird anyway so I don’t really care! Plus I didn’t receive any chocolates so better brush off those used to be feelings, fantasies… I hate you even you text me Hi on the following day. You’re too much so I decided again to treat you like how you treat me. I asked him to bring his external drive on Monday so I did get what I’ve asked for that Monday. I have toasted siopaos’ and kimbap as pasalubong and I didn’t give him any though he asked! Bwahahahaha! Gladly I received one stem rose that day from a friend in the office and I playfully handed it to him when he asked about why he didn’t get to taste my kimbap and I just made an excuse that I’m not confident about the taste. Oh you poor boy! That was so basic pain you caused me since all weekend it’s you whom I’ve been thinking about! You’ve been there causing more confusion than my thesis! I’m more hurt with you not texting than having to start over again my wins!

So there that day passed… you called in times when you needed someone to talk to. I assumed you’re bored. We had a deal about you going on a diet since you’ll show me the lean person that you were before as per you. I just said ok but you’re not weighing still with my eyes as the witness. I’ve been preparing for the day that we can finally go out for a break together just to see you on that scale but like our deal to have lunch together. Ohhhh… where exactly is this going? I noticed with your HD that you really downloaded the updated HIMYM episodes and that you don’t actually watch that series. You surprised me with your choice of Tagalog movies. It has Miggy-Laida trilogy and found City Hunter and Gumiho present in there too. Why is it like this? Why do I always find you surprising? Also you called just to know if I’m sober already during my sleepover with friends. I been telling lots of people how we ended up true friends and they’re like not believing my stories so thank goodness you rang me and so I made their disbelief into curiosity. Oh yeah! Someone out there cares if I’m drunk!  --.---\/

In our most recent talk, you reminded me again that my teammates are lacking respect to me in most times. You’ve heard foul words thrown on me whenever we all joke around. I can only agree with your words but I stressed that I’m not affected at all but it all came to me now that you must be very sensitive with stuff like that and I do appreciate the fact that you care. You chat me right away after overhearing the disrespectful words and I can only argue that I don’t take it to heart. But deep down you’re shaking my inner peace again!!! But good thing about this talk because you brought up the Valentine’s Day happening yourself saying you’re sorry for not handing me chocolates (he used plural form) since you were shy. And I answered with “ahhhh... nakita ko sa instagram un ni kate~ πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”πŸ’”" And he's reply goes...

“Sorry na. Bigyan din kita. Ung mas malaki. Dark, white, o ung normal? Ano mas gusto mo?” And I answered after 30mins since my battery is dead, “dark!” and he said, “Cge po,” then our topic was turned to me watching thru his HD, Four Sisters And A Wedding which started our topic about roles we have in the family.
Honestly, I’m convinced that you do like me and I’m hoping we’re just taking it real slow. But what’s really making it weird is me getting all affected this much to you and less with other stuffs. I’ve been told by my Juicy friends in the office that I’m an inborn weirdo but they like it that I’m unusual and full of positivity. And it felt like I heard the words I love to hear but it felt also wrong somehow. Billy said to me that whenever I answer back it will always have humor in it and could always turn bad stuff to something better to say. And I knew now why… when I was in college we had this fun game I play with course mates. The game’s rules involve humor and logic, the situation goes… “It’s my cat’s funeral what will you bring?” and you’ll just need to answer it in a sad or sympathizing tone. And everyone got it minutes ago and all I felt was like I’m the dumbest at this game! What’s really to bring on a funeral… do I need to count for the syllables? Should the things to bring need to be ending in a vowel? Then they were like laughing at me saying it’s tough for her since she’s always smiling! Then I was like owwww… I answered but then again I laughed at the very end… and I can never go with them at the funeral. >.<  Because I’m not someone who welcomes sadness in life.

There I got reminded why I act this way.  I’m seriously not serious with issues I neglect to involve myself in. I just know I’m way too ok to concern myself with stuff that I’m not sure of. Well I do know I need someone to share this good life with so be it the guy I’m telling you about or some other guy we know but not yet present in the picture… I can only say come what may! And so I want to quote Oprah my friend over twitter, “You are in charge of how you feel.”

Look at these random tweets I posted for the past Feb:

Feb 19
I barely know what's gonna happen next but I choose to believe that will be worth it.
Being hurt is inevitable that's why I'm always convinced to smile more and care less in most of my days. #Realidad

Feb 16
Spending time with your love ones' is sometimes all the therapy you need...
@micLtoe lets be honest na zelle~

Women Of History @WomenOfHistory  Feb 15
Never give up on something you really want. It's difficult to wait, but worse to regret.

Oprah World @Oprah_World  Feb 16
When someone else's happiness is your happiness, that's love.

Feb 15
I miss serious talks with papa~

Oprah World @Oprah_World  Feb 15
If you're single, stop worrying. God is saving you for someone special. Someone worth the wait. Someone who will never take you for granted.

I wish to trust and be honest with you but i'm hesitant for you to find it crazy. tsk. Not sure enough.

Self healing I badly need!

I'm loving every seconds of it! #Frozen

Can i just say something crazy?!!?? #Frozen #IllBorrowThatLineSoon

Feb 14
No to stress this weekend! I'll get a life that I truly deserve! Be mine weekend!!!

Paalam malupit na mundo~ bwahahaha!!! #Getaway #MayKukuninLangSaBahayπŸ‘½✌️ @ J.CO Donuts & Coffee

“@Oprah_World: Expect the best. Prepare for the worst.” - yan na nga oh!
Don't feel sad over someone who gave up on you, feel sorry for them because they gave up on someone who would have never given up on them.

Feb 13
I'm ok na!!! Done with my errands so now i need a nap before work. yahoo!!!

@sooooNysHEE shopping!!!!

im not new to this but this day seems so different!!!! #ZoiloAndFriends
funny ang bakerfresh na delivery van! hayyyysss my lakas maka binata day just passed like that.


Ramon Bautista @ramonbautista  Feb 13
Imbento lang yang valentines na yan ng mga taga dangwa, mga motel saka ng hallmark cards no! #HashTagLamig

Happy Valentines na anu! 

Oprah World @Oprah_World  Feb 13
Happiness doesn't result from what we get, but from what we give.

“@Oprah_World: When your mind says give up, hope whispers one more try.” -hayyyyyy

Sometimes what you're most afraid of doing is the very thing that will set you free.

nasasaktan ako oh baby~~~ huhuhaha

Feb 12
“@Oprah_World: Don't rush anything. When the time is right, it'll happen.” - same with life, love and forex.

“@Oprah_World: Tell someone they matter.” - someday gurl!

Feb 10
Thank you for calling sir! hahaha #SharingThoughts #BeforeWork #TYstevejobs 

Feb 6
When SOMEONE gives you a NICKNAME, it means you are SPECIAL to that person. - Reader's Digest

Feb 5
I know the truth so i'll settle with that.

When Best In Math meets Best in Philo??? Hahaha

Feb 4
#WhyILoveYou may pangalan yung ballpen mo.

Feb 3
Maging tayo muna #BeforeILetYouGo

Feb 2
I'm learning the ways to self heal~~~ Suddenly I don't need the answer!!!

It must have been the regret you're feeling now because you've shown concern like that and you just happened to affect this girl's heart

Should i be a girl and ask you what went wrong or continue to play it cool as if I'm not hurt at all??!?!!


But when the time I've come to decide about us and could be long term honesty with how i feel this person changed. 180 degrees.

I began shifting gears, we push and pull. We fight and reconcile. Lately i became my own enemy~ I hate throwing tantrums but i still did.

I knew that I'm not being sincere at all because I'm not 100% sure.

So i did state the words LIKE and it's synonyms but it just can't coincide with my actions whenever we physically see each other.

After all of that, I don't know if I'd come to rely on that person too much, but I knew then that i like him, so i did some things unusual.

Still even if i whine like crazy and we naturally fight on petty stuff he continued to be there for me...

ironically everybody's saying we still have the chance. #GoodluckMonday

It's not that you chose each other but it's because God chooses you to be together. #weddings

And so we’re done here. I hope March will be more exciting and fun to us all! And can we talk about something else please!!!

BUT I DOUBT! Because I always  have fondness for Love~

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