Sunday, October 14, 2012
Re: TO SELF
You cannot delete a number from your memory. I did delete his number but one of the first contacts I can actually memorize was his. It’s not my parents whom I’ll probably call when I’m on emergency and freaking out it must have been him during the peak of my liking. Good thing I was never been into accident or so. Apparently he changed number and I was not updated. Time to be sensitive for once and that’s a newsflash I’m actually bothered to discuss. But it will always not end with “Yeah! I’m fine that he’s again courting someone new, someone close…” Others, you will not believe it too. This should be in a process of what they call acceptance and all but yes! I've decided to delete you in my memory which means to forget that we MIGHT be. I let go.
Friends have said that I need to admit in his face for closure’s sake but I bet closure does not exist even if I dared to do it. Like, what if I did? Of course I'll be waiting still for reply and that's for sure I can't deny. So not until I’m still in a hurry to wrap this piece up. This will always be my unfinished business and I’m afraid if not today soon enough as I check my fb news feeds there’ll be posts he liked, commented and another girl he posed with, I’ll sure get tired of them and feel no more for this guy. I just don’t want to be less important anymore in his eyes. He’s a good, cool guy in his own and that I wish I don’t want to erase. Only my hovering feelings of future should be.
And since I REFUSED TO SAY GOODBYE IN TEARS rest assured that I’ll be found and not to give up on my dream to look for it if you know what I’m saying. This is for my own credit and I’m game for the stability of my own feelings. Sometimes it’s the expense you have to take along the process; most of the time it will be too difficult, too scary... It’s only once you stop you realized it’s hard to start again that you force yourself not to want it but you know the feeling always remain. It’s just not because he’s courting a friend but it’s now for my own sake that I am unsubscribing you out of my brain. My future does not lie in line with your likes it’s with someone whom I’ll further the connection with. A friend said to me then that soon there’ll be someone who’ll come to my life that I’ll be afraid to miss, that I will not selfishly ignore if I realized I’m already fell (that’s how I initially react, IGNORE.) and in the same way will not be tired to go after me.
And I knew more than anyone now that it will not happen right away but I’m up for my closure someday. So that I can say that it must have been just a random WRONG NUMBER.