Wednesday, October 10, 2012

What's good about first love?

When we first met I knew then that you’re a jerk. On our second day of class orientation, where you seem like a stranger since you intentionally missed the first, you made fun of my name. Clenching my fist to get a hold of my pissed self I took a glance from behind my seat. And for a moment I've forgotten I was late. Your familiar grinning face greets me with aloof and brought sudden blushes all over my cheeks.

Fighting the feeling that he's just seated behind.
But actually... You can play with my name some more... HAHAH! like change my last name with  yours? It's fine. 
Your looks misled me to change.

I began to use my second name, Maezelle or Zel for a change since with Jerma it's always results to be misspelled. I started studying before classes starts so then I could show that I’m good in Management and Finance. I decided to always raise my hand in every class I’m in since I made it obvious that I’m now sitting in front row and no longer on the third.

But the crisis lies whenever we meet at the corridor, whenever I collect money for photo copy, whenever you pass those test papers… You always kept me off-guard. Your presence is too much for me to bear making me concentrate with my ways not to bump on you along the way.

Oh crap. This isn't what I've planned of doing on my first year in college.

I was always excited with college life like being free; getting to choose my Profs, strange classmates, schedule of the day where you’ll need extra powers in Accounting and units to take but then why am I so obedient with my parents?

So after realizing how the feeling is actually changing me to a “better student” and ridiculous self made image, I flunk my Algebra 1. And what’s in store for me after not submitting my freaking compiled test papers and quizzes I repeated the subject; faced my parents with fear like what happened with Algebra nowadays?!; dealt with the Dean explaining why I didn't made it to Dean’s List when I’m a full scholar; that anxious feeling of no one to talk to about my first flunk in the history even with closest friends because perhaps they’re all part of “The List”.

Maybe I did it bit too far. And though I know he’s not the sole reason behind my misery because you know let’s just say shit happens but I claimed that he’s partly to blame in my dirty conscience. Since all those six months seemed to be so tiring avoiding the feeling that only my gay friends know about him - I shifted course. My scholarship is still full and retained so no worries. My second take of that Algebra is an epic experience for me that I even get to be awarded with the highest grade said my Instructor then. But I’m not that good just so you know I’m just lucky that majority of my classmates flunk the subject as well last sem. HAHHAH! Love the vibe there! I’m a genius in that class but I don’t wish to go back. So I get up. Moved on. Somehow.

So many times I've said that this darn feeling is over. But it's just been like a mantra.

So to continue, I picked a course close to my heart – Business Administration major in Business Engineering. Never mind asking me why I chose to enroll since I’m going to tell anyway… because I might be called to the Guidance office for breaking in the bulletin board and get a few sheets of paper explaining the new course in ADNU. I even get to like Math now. Yoohoo! So when I’m dealing with my grades to be in tucked I was also at that time wounded that he’s dating our classmate whom we all hated then.

Skipping through the pages, I got his number from a guy friend way back in high school whose cousin is a close friend of him. This friend seems to be so supportive after all maybe I should start treating him well because by then he sends it to me thru business card and of course no number or whatever details along with the NUMBER OF MY CRUSH. My crush!!! (Let's pretend I still got the feel.) So without further a due, I ignored who’s that good Samaritan who sent me his mocking number. Given the reason of the benefit of the doubt I text him.

Luckily he replied but in a very timid and strange way. So never mind. I got his number and I was freaking happy though I sensed that he doesn't buy the lamest reason of how I got his number. But a business card was again received and it’s a number of my crush’s girlfriend I text the number with no definite reason at all. So there, we became closer since it just happened that our siblings are friends and our parents are former officemates we came to understand each other in some way which is good. Whenever she makes kwento it will always be about his boyfriend whom I’m claiming to be my first love said the pathetic writer. Like she’s handing such favors “Can you pls greet him on our monthsary?”  Then I go OhhhMG ARE YOU SURE?!? So I text him as what I was told. I’m the nicest when it comes to chances of being close to her bf~ And my text goes: Happy Monthsary. Awwww. Sayang umuulan di pwede mag date-date. Bwahahaah! That’s before realizing he’s about to pass by the corridor of the bldg. where his classroom is just few steps away from where I am in since I made a shed out from the rain. I blushed. He might have thought that it was his girlfriend texting him cheesy greeting. Taga Assumption lang teh?! hahahah

4 yrs na ang nakalipas di mo man lang ako linigawan. hmp! KJ!

And thinking how it all turned out… that year after year he has girlfriends and I still have none. I just lived the way I should be up to date. Nothing’s changed except we just became friends on fb on my last sem of our college years after he waved at me when I’m drinking in a cold water from the fountain during a break of a football practice. WOW! I kept running and energetic after that relief. That’s how he affects me and how he responds to my insignificance to him. I know we had our moments of getting closer but I refused to take the chance since I have insecurities and doubts as an awkward girl. I’m not his type that I knew all along. It’s just anticipative of how world promises that you might not know what’s going to happen next so maybe that’s why I’m not leaving yet the hopes.

But thinking about the turn of events, I just can’t move on unless I fell again. I’m not so serious right?! Hmn… Allow me to put on my confident sash to say a word of goodbye, I am happy of at least I am able to meet you and fell for your gaze, hirits, smile, background I must say and character... I have come to cherish the moments our classrooms are just next to the other. Those hundreds of mutual friends we have bind us as if we’re supposed to be close in real life. That no matter what my friends say that this isn't love since I’m fighting over my feelings for this not to reach you just like how I battle my eyelids to fall before my eyes though I know I need enough sleep… I've come to a point that I've been sure I was.

Wish that you could already reply the right answer to my playful quiz text to you, for God sake you’ll not answer it with a *sigh and making me come after my father’s thoughts about love again. Just so you know it wasn't a real essay I’m making that night but that scheme brought me non-stop giggles alone in the bathroom waiting for your response and that very moment I think I can almost come up with something decent essay about our topic in Philo 2. That was a memory of my first attempt to be closer to you and though it’s a pity that you didn't make a move on me I’m again grateful you never did.

I don’t want to bid goodbye since in time this small world will let us know how deliberately small it is  with enough reasons why it came to my UNLIKE this time. So go, enjoy like you always do because I’m having a good time too. Wish you to be happier and hopefully you’ll drool at the back of your mind for letting me write about my can’t help agony of you, my supposed to be FIRST LOVE.

Annyeong na sayo~
Oh xa at maka pag'boyfriend na!!! (^ ^)>

Credits: / 


  1. hahahaha!!!!!!! Magnificently pathetic. . . <3

    1. True. she down played her beloved self thru her own hands... You cheer up!!! you made it your way still. keep the innocence and believe that God will make it even in everyones'favor:)

  2. Thanks! I never thought I'll be sharing this unrequited love of mine in public though some may already know about it but yes,. thanks for drop by.

    Need to brush it off right?!